The book

Well, Fresca, thank you! I bought that book you recommended today, over kindle-option (I have software installed on my computer, not the real kindle).

I read almost half of it already. It’s really useful, gives truly explanations and directions what to do. Very useful, indeed.

The book offers also an explanation of every kind of difficult person and how they behave. What I found really alarm sounding is that I recognized, in some of the examples, my own behaviour.

Some of that was truly based in the insecurities I have about myself, and some was pure eye-for-an-eye behaviour.

Well, at least now I know what to do, and I’ll start practicing that behaviour from now on. As with any change I decide to do within myself the practice is essential.

Keep fingers crossed for me!

Power of diplomacy

Recently I watched the documentary. A link was posted by one of my Facebook friends. And in documentary, journalist dealt with the most difficult people I ever saw outside the war environment. I must say that I ended up being very impressed with his skills. The very skills I know I lack. The calmness he had in dealing with them, even when one of them was extremely rude even in front of the camera. The way how he managed to live with them for a while even when they found out that he has different views on their values, I simply find awe worthy.

Hmm, I should really try to find some book, some lessons that talk about those skills. They cannot be something completely out of my grasp.

Ah and the documentary, well here is the link:

http://www.atheistnation.net/video/?video/00260/atheist/the-most-hated-family-in-america/

And my own reaction. I would stay away from those people, really far away. 

Marvels of human variety

Just few days ago I did something very confusing and strange toward the people I really care about. So I started to think why. I did exactly the thing I was trying to avoid, so I needed to see what could I do to never repeat it.

So, the solution was rather simple. For a last year I’m dealing with a people whose personalities do not match mine. I never learned how to deal with such people, so now, I’m learning it in a hard way. Majority of my attempts to establish some kind of normal relationship with those people usually ends up as total disaster, so I started to question all my dealings with all people.

Recently it came to the point that I had to remind myself that I am not the “evil” or “bad” one; that there are lots of people on this planet that actually really like me.

So how come I got here?

Well, I was always living in big cities. Full of all kinds of people, so if I could not get along with someone, I would just go away and found people I can get along. There was no need to learn how to deal with the people who have those personalities that do not match mine.

And first time the need arisen was actually with my thesis supervisor. When I came to graduate studies, I came from different culture, so there was no safety net of unwritten social code to help me. And I did not recognize this particular personality on time. My supervisor was very friendly and talked a lot with me, at the beginning, about numerous topics. Everything went nice. Then, because he was friendly, I expressed my disagreement with him several times. You see, the people with whom I usually hang out do not make too big issue if we disagree on something. I did not saw that my supervisor was one of those people who are always right. And I made one mistake after another, one misunderstanding after another, until the point of no return. The whole situation got really nasty and complicated. Sometimes I say for that period in my life to be as bad as war. I managed somehow to finish that situation, and leave. And honestly, I thought that I would never have to learn how to deal with those “always right” persons again.

But here I am, faced again with the similar situation. This time, I know that once when I’m declared bad, there is no turning back. Anything I do, anything I say will be seen as an act of evil or bad person.

And I honestly, have no idea how to mend that. I do not know even can this kind of situation be mended.

I had to make distance, for the sake of my own stability. And I do make sure that there is always some kind of written evidence of our interaction.

Too bad that there is no some kind of manual of how to deal with that kind of people. I would love to read it.

The life is much more easier when one does not have to deal with such situations. 

Cylons

Today in a gym I saw a girl who is spiting image of Six. At first I thought that's the actress herself, but then on the second look, it was obvious that girl is too young. That would not be even worth of mention as an event if I did not meet, several years ago, a bloke who is spitting image of Gaius Baltar. AND this was on the course for parallel programing (one of the computer stuff).
It makes you go hmmm.

In memoriam

ISOBEL

this is for memory of the most beautiful little girl I had honor to see. 

I feel privileged to know about her. 

Disappointment

Everyone who was reading my blog or talked to me noticed that I said lot of negative comments about US.

Well, this is why.

It’s quite simple. I was not truly open-minded when I came in US. I had an expectations based on the definitions of the certain terms, and my experiences in previous countries.

So when I came here I thought that Americans, being so open about their own opinions, would appreciate to hear mine. That they will like to see foreigner behaves in the same way they do; after all, in other countries people were delighted with something like that.  And since Americans always state that their country is a “melting pot” of different cultures; that they will be accepting of differences.

I learned, hard way, that I was wrong.

I will put the examples I experienced here, the examples of the behaviour that disappointed me. In a way, I still find it hard to believe that such behaviour can be happening in the country like this.

There was a bloke who wished to date me, and in the initial conversation I pointed out that he’s very passionate about the politic. He is a very passionate supporter of Republican Party here. I pointed out to him that I do not care about the politic and that we might have some issues in that part. Those were really my words, nothing less, nothing more. Just for pointing that out, I was verbally attacked, rather aggressively. He decided that this statement marks me as a supporter of their other party, and started, again very aggressively, to give me a lesson how Republicans were better for US than Democrats. I left before I was physically attacked. He was still spitting venom when I literarily ran off.

This is the most extreme reaction I experienced, but during my first year here, I learned, by experience, that I have to pick “the correct” side. The option “I do not care about the politic” was not there. Now, I do not even dare to start the topic. I purposely avoid it. I even try to avoid saying that I do not care about politic. If the topic cannot be avoided, I try to be silent, smile and nod.

Then, ultimately strange questions I got here that I never, ever, expected to hear, were: “What is wrong with me? Why I never got married?”

Really, those were questions I was asked, by several persons. And I was, and still am, amazed that someone who lives in a country that declare themselves as tolerant and emancipated, would even think something like this. Apparently, those persons simply cannot even comprehend that someone might be simply not interested in getting married. My surprise was so huge because those questions I was asked in my home country too, earlier. However, there is an explanation why people ask that in my home country. There exist a rather strong believe that female is worthless. That female can be considered as valuable member of society only if she get married and have kids. Nothing else can actually be seen as valuable female contribution to the society. So it was rather hard blow to meet that same attitude here in a country that prides itself for the freedom and equality of genders. I never expected that in this country people would consider necessary for me as a female to be married. I was so stunned that I never even tried to explain why I did not marry. 

In one instance I was declared a homosexual. The person who declared me also could not comprehend how come that I do not have lover. That is also very hard point for people here to understand. Apparently one has to have sex all the time. Even a very idea of abstaining from the sex from any reason is, simply, not an option. And this is a second, most talked about subject in company here.

Unfortunately this was not the end. Most of the people here are very passionate and outspoken about their own believes. However, they start a rather passionate argument (borderline aggressive) with you if you dare to say that you disagree with them. That is unfortunately valid for any topic, even for such ridiculous one as mint-chocolates. The simple fact that people can have different preferences or opinions is not considered.

So after a year of these experiences, I’m really careful when I’m in company of the locals. Mostly, because I do not like fights. I consider them to be useless way to spend your energy, time and nerves. I met few persons here who do not mind that I have different opinion and do not force topics of politic, dating and sex on me.

But, those are very rare. Very rare. And bad experiences from before made me extra careful in meeting new people here.

And on top of that I have problem with local food. Any cow related product I consume causes me to be ill.

Perhaps this will explain why did I put so many negative comments so far.

I did remove them from the blog. Again, because I do not like to argue with people just because we have different opinions. 

Paper

One of my papers I submitted recently was returned with referee asking major changes. For me, it was perfectly clear when I read the report what was the problem. I did not explain it well. And referee gave some excellent suggestions how to explain it better. And I finished the analysis and rewrote the paper. And now when I look at it, I see how much I changed it. Gosh.

Usually referees hate when you change paper too much after this. But honestly, after I did this additional graph requested by referee, several other graphs became simply redundant, so I removed them. My boss is of opinion that I could change the paper as much as I find necessary. I wonder what he will say when he sees the new version in few days. He’s prone to change opinions, and even change his own corrections….

Although the first draft is finished, I need to edit it several times before I send it to him. Seems that no matter how much I try, I end up with the paper written in appalling English. I mean, one of the reasons for me to start this blog was to write as much as possible in English and practice in that way. Seems that this was in vain.

Also does not work if I ask help from native speaker who even has a university degree in some aspect connected with the English language. Even the corrections they made are simply not enough.

And to make matter even more ridiculous, in my native language, I was working as journalist few years and published few short sci-fi stories. I do not know, maybe that’s the problem, because I was, in a way, good writer in my own native language?  Now I’m even ashamed to mention that I did published some stories.

Really, I tend to be quiet about it.

It’s always harder to un-learn some “wrong” skill and learn new one.

Well, I’ll see.

At least the draft of the second paper I gave to another colleague was understandable. He had problems only to get one of my sentences, I used rather clumsy expression. So perhaps I did improve.

I cannot be sure until I actually give the paper to boss.

It’s true bugger because I cannot write fluently, I have all bunch of interesting results on which I just sit, and in a way cannot share with others. I do not wish to suggest another talk for seminar, because that means too much stress for nothing. Two colleagues tend just to be nasty and that makes me stressed and less productive, so giving a talk is waste of the time.

This means, I have results that group will found out about only if I wrote well enough paper to submit. Ah, that’s life….